I have been fighting many things...so many things compete for my attention. Today, I have found peace. The Lord poured it over me, and I couldn't help but lift my hands and be speechless. It has been hard being unemployed and a new mother. I fail at it quite often. I fail at being Godly quite often. By myself, I FAIL. But when I come to the point of sweet surrender, there is nothing I can do but know that God loves me and my family, and that every little thing that I would see as a negative is a teaching point. It is a point of grace where I need God the most, and that's just it. God wants you where you need Him and only Him. He'll walk you through very hard things to get there, but in the end, it is worth it. Being chastised is a blessing. Discipline from the Father means He loves me, and He wants me to be more like Him.
I am not like Him. I am dirty. I am mean, angry, foul mouthed, base, lascivious, cruel, close-minded, hypocritical, ignorant, apathetic, afraid, GUILTY.
But in the midst of all my muck and mire, He calls me to be like Him. He forgives me. He gives me grace that is new each day. He looks on me as if I am righteous like His beloved Son. It's time I looked on each trial with a gratefulness. He is near to the brokenhearted. He is near to me.
If you know me, you know I am not perfect. You know my temper. You know my mouth, and how I say stupid thoughtless things. Forgive me. I am wrong, and it takes every day of trying to steer this ship in a new direction that is NOT me. If I take my eyes off Him for a second, I lose my way fast. You have seen it. Forgive me for not being better or stronger. Forgive me for not being gracious or not being positive. Forgive me for holding myself back. For indulging myself in the things of this world. I am a child of God...I'm still a child, still learning, and I will be for the rest of my life. To all my friends who don't see Jesus in me, I am ashamed, but I stand in His grace, hoping that with each day He will make me more like Him.