Just Three Times Within Three Years

No big deal.

Sadness fills me lately.   I thought for just a moment I was good enough.  Or that maybe I could grow a job past the one year mark--a feat not done since college, by the way.  "Tired" is not accurate.  "Depressed" is too cold and concise.  Black, grey, cold, banished, abandoned, starving, weary, blue, bored, invisible, hellish...what words?  Can they explain anything I feel?  Not so.  If the earth swallowed me, I would be content.  Bury me under piles of earth, fold me and tuck me in.  Hide me from the light that burns and sears.  It cuts off what is inside, sealing it in until pressure mounts.  An implosion of the soul is a strangely beautiful thing, and I wonder what keeps my heart from doing so.

I do know that I am blessed.  I need not be reminded of my husband and child.  These blessings speak nothing of my failures, and they haunt me.  The lack of confidence must be off-putting to others.  Is there a mark on my forehead, like Ash Wednesday?  Do my eyes scream to you?  Do they say what I do not dare whisper?  Even when I'm alone, to whisper the devastation in my life is like feeding the Beast of Babylon from Revelations.  It's like sacrificing my own soul and welcoming an apocalyptic end.  I don't want to speak of it for fear of the floodgates that might open.  I suppose that my pride has grown to that point, and maybe I'm tired of admitting that every part of me is broken.  There are no longer shards of glass, or visible pieces of me.  These days, putting myself back together is like finding grains of sand blasted into oblivion in infinite space.  I don't even know where most of me is, and I was pretty sure I knew at one point.  Seconds and minutes change things.   So many things.  This is growth, the mass destruction of my soul.  Tear away, build back up, tear some more, build more.  Rip the suture, cut the flesh, over and over again just when new flesh was visible, albeit scarred.  When I enter into glory, I will be a scarred pathetic mess.  This is no different than most of the saints.

Am I a saint?  Surely not, but I wonder how they felt.  Were they this tired?  I doubt they were riddled with my selfish weaknesses.  I doubt they wallowed in self pity.  I get it.  Self pity is unattractive on many levels.  Right now though, I'm trying my best just to get up in the morning and breathe.  I know I am weak.  I see it when I let the despair shine through my eyes...I see how people look away or pat my shoulder.  Depression really makes people uncomfortable.  They just don't know what to say, so it's easier to hide in my house, under a blanket.  That way, I don't garner the small amount of pity that lasts just a minute.  This hole?  It's going to take more than surface words to mend.  This hole is a hole only God can close up.  Maybe He will leave it open for all my lifetime, and I will forever be condemned to the various salts in the wound.  But I don't want others to feel sorry for me.  I just want to be sorry for myself for little while.  Yeah, that's wrong, I know.  I am such a baby--I know I should be happy.  I should be.  Maybe if I smile long enough it will be true.  Just maybe.

Spinning World

I have been fighting many things...so many things compete for my attention.  Today, I have found peace.  The Lord poured it over me, and I couldn't help but lift my hands and be speechless.  It has been hard being unemployed and a new mother.  I fail at it quite often.  I fail at being Godly quite often.  By myself, I FAIL.   But when I come to the point of sweet surrender, there is nothing I can do but know that God loves me and my family, and that every little thing that I would see as a negative is a teaching point.  It is a point of grace where I need God the most, and that's just it.  God wants you where you need Him and only Him.  He'll walk you through very hard things to get there, but in the end, it is worth it.  Being chastised is a blessing.  Discipline from the Father means He loves me, and He wants me to be more like Him.

I am not like Him.  I am dirty.  I am mean, angry, foul mouthed, base, lascivious, cruel, close-minded, hypocritical, ignorant, apathetic, afraid, GUILTY.

But in the midst of all my muck and mire, He calls me to be like Him.  He forgives me.  He gives me grace that is new each day.  He looks on me as if I am righteous like His beloved Son.  It's time I looked on each trial with a gratefulness.  He is near to the brokenhearted.  He is near to me.  

If you know me, you know I am not perfect.  You know my temper.  You know my mouth, and how I say stupid thoughtless things.  Forgive me.  I am wrong, and it takes every day of trying to steer this ship in a new direction that is NOT me.  If I take my eyes off Him for a second, I lose my way fast.  You have seen it.  Forgive me for not being better or stronger.  Forgive me for not being gracious or not being positive.  Forgive me for holding myself back.  For indulging myself in the things of this world.  I am a child of God...I'm still a child, still learning, and I will be for the rest of my life.  To all my friends who don't see Jesus in me, I am ashamed, but I stand in His grace, hoping that with each day He will make me more like Him.

Another Season of Waiting

So, I'm in another part of life that requires patience...waiting.  I'm waiting on Sampson.  Waiting on God.  Waiting on opportunity.  Waiting on security.  Just waiting.

I'm not as completely freaked out as I expected myself to be.  This is the second time this year that I find myself without a job.  I used to apply to about thirty different jobs a week a year or two ago.  But earlier this year, when a good job as a book publisher went under, I applied at different places--but I also took a number a man from Mardel gave me.  I called it and scheduled an appointment at a temp agency.  I was put on a temporary project with Chesapeake not a week later.  The pay was the same as my job as a publisher.  I thought I might even get a chance to be hired on.

It was a good seven month run, the same amount of time I was with On Demand Books.  I wasn't cut when most people (about half) were, and my original prayer of making it to September was answered.  Praise God for His graciousness in that.  I made it as far as is comfortable.  We have enough savings to last us about two months, and I'm already applying for jobs as we speak, so I can get hired on in November after I have Sampy.  I'm not stressed like I thought I would be.  God has taken care of Breck and me.  He will continue to do so.

All the same, prayers are always greatly appreciated.  The support of a brother or sister with prayer is always uplifting, and it makes this sometimes hard battle of faith easier.

I remember when I praised God about getting the Chesapeake job earlier this year, an Atheist man asked me why I was giving glory to God about a job I busted my tail to earn, and a job that I was perfectly qualified for, so why was I surprised about getting it?

I spent the first year out of college married, working for $9/hr, and I was the only one working for six months, too.  It was rough.  There were weeks we went without groceries to make rent.  We ate potatoes and macaroni.  That's it.  I applied for every job I could, but no matter how many times I called back or no matter what I applied for, I wasn't getting any response.

Mind you, I know that I'm not the only person who experienced this.  We are in the middle of a Great Recession, and I know plenty of people with degrees applying for the same $10/hr jobs I was.  It didn't matter what your experience was, no one was hiring.  They were hiring administrative assistants with master's degrees.  Isn't that funny?  Getting paid $10/hr with a master's degree?  So, all of us new graduates had no chance at what traditionally has been reserved for entry level college graduates.  All of the experienced workers from across the nation faced lay offs, and guess what?  They came to Oklahoma for jobs...even jobs that they wouldn't want, such as secretarial and administrative jobs.  And the college kids like me?  We were stuck waiting tables, waiting for our turn to jump on any ladder that had nothing to do with sales.  And believe me, there weren't any at the time.

I only had two interviews in that first year after college, after applying at hundreds of places.  I finally remember telling God, "Okay, I get it.  I'm not going anywhere.  You want me to wait?  I'll wait."  Within a month I was told of an opportunity with On Demand Books.  My music minister and friend, Darrell, let me know about it.  I was one of three people interviewed, and I got the job.

Sadly, the company had to close their locations, and mine was the first to go.  It was just the wrong time to introduce printing and publishing when iPads and Kindles were taking over the market.  Print readership is down and will continue to decline, so in all reality, I shouldn't have been surprised.  My professors warned me of things like this in 2007 when I entered the journalism program at UCO.  They were right.  It's only going to continue changing, and traditional media is going to die out if it doesn't evolve with the rest of the world.

So, after being let go, I was ready for the long haul.  I knew it could be a while before I found a job that would provide for my family like I needed.  But a week later, God came through.  It had nothing to do with me.  In fact, the less I worry about what I have no control over, the more room for God to do something amazing. I'm excited to see what He will do with this one.  :)

Two or three years ago, I would be having a mental and emotional breakdown over this.  I would be destroyed.  But I'm grateful for the growth that I couldn't achieve without Him.  The peace I have right now is not of me.  It isn't my nature.  I'm a neurotic and obsessive person.  I'm a control freak.  But when I let these things go and put them in His hands, I'm free.  I can only do what I can, and believe me, I'm applying for jobs and looking for ways to provide for my family, but I also know that what God wants for me will happen.  I cannot change His will, and freaking out and acting out of desperation only tells Him that I don't believe He'll take care of me.

I'm glad He has taken care of me over the past few years, and I'm glad for the peace He gives me now.  I'm glad I'm not in control.  I don't want to be.

Keep on Smiling

I hate when weekends end.  Yes, that puts me in the 99th percentile of the entire earth, but I felt like saying it anyway.  I love lounging with Breck on the couch, watching TV shows all afternoon. I wanted to be unproductive this weekend.  I was in better spirits yesterday, but I'm depressed today.   I know, I know.  I am depressed everyday.

I hate feeling like a failure. Did I mention that I am the worst about hiding my emotions?

If you know me, you already know that.  I have to remind myself that I am not a slave to them.  It's easy to feel like a caged bird, so suffocated and starved of life.  It's days like this that I keep telling myself to be thankful for my life.  They say count your blessings.  Oh, and smile.

So here's to all my blessings.  I'm shaking off this grim feeling.  It's stupid.  I am independent, so I refuse to let my chemical imbalances control my life.  I refuse to let my circumstances break me.  Strength comes from the hard times and rough patches.  Strength comes from persevering.  My strength comes from knowing that God blesses me, even in my darkest days.  He keeps me pushing.  He doesn't let me sit here and mope, though I really wish I could.  The Invisible Hand pulls me up.

"Why are you down?"

"Well, God, you know I'm tired.  You know I'm a constant failure.  Sometimes I just want to give up.  I can barely keep my eyes open."

"Why are you tired?  What have you been doing that makes you tired?   You know, if you would rely on me then you wouldn't be so worn down."

"I don't know what I'm doing.  I think I'm doing what you want, but I'm not entirely sure."

"Stop thinking you can fix things.  You constantly push yourself to do what you're not made to do.  You're only exhausting yourself.  Try all you want, but you DO know that you're not going anywhere unless I want you to, right?"

"Yes...but where am I supposed to go?  What am I supposed to do?  What if I do too little?  I feel like I'm not doing enough, or I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  There's this constant guilt."

"I died to set you free from guilt.  Why are you letting it run your life?  I'm pretty sure that's my job."

"Yeah, I know...how do I get rid of that?"

"By actually believing I have this entire situation under control.  By seeing that this is my world--my galaxy.  I control your destiny.  Not you."

"Even when I fail?  Even when I'm everything I'm not supposed to be?  What if I'm unprepared?  What happens when I fall?"

"Stop worrying about it.  I'll guide you and help you.  I'll give you everything you need.  Nothing more, nothing less."

So, there's no clue about where this life is heading.  Only God knows.  So, I'm going to keep counting my blessings, in no particular order:

1.  God has given me a wonderful husband who knows all the bad parts of me, but loves me regardless.
2.  My parents and grandparents are men and women of God.  They are still married, despite hardships.
3.  My family is, for the majority, healthy.  I haven't had to deal with the loss of a family member yet.
4.  I have a job that pays well.
5.  This job has given me experience in computer programs like Adobe Creative Suite.  Awesome and relevant.
6.  I am able to connect with people on a deeper level with this job.
7.  I have siblings, and we are close.
8.  I'm not hungry.
9.  I have an abundance of clothing and material wealth.
10.  I am not sick nor do I have a disease.
11.  I have good friends who are there for me.
12.  I live in the US.
13.  I am allowed to practice my religion and speak about it freely.
14.  I belong to a church that preaches the Word of God faithfully.
15.  I have a group of people my age that go to my church, and they are awesome.
16.  I have a college education.
17.  I have a car.
18.  My car is paid off.
19.  I'm paying off my college loans ahead of time.
20.  I have two precious puppies.
21.  I am given enough money to bless and sponsor a child in Uganda.
22.  He reminds me that I have it pretty easy.
23.  No matter what has happened, I have survived it up to today, because of the grace of God.
24.  I am able to pay the bills.
25.  I know how to play the piano, and can write songs of my own...even if no one will ever hear them.
26.  I have access to the internet and countless amounts of information.
27.  I am able to vote for who I want to lead my country.
28.  I am blessed in about a million other ways, too.

 I'm tired today, but I'm going to smile.  Obviously, I have much to smile about.